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Not the Same
33 Things To Do Before You're 10
Overheard on TV
The Poor and the Lucky
Take This...
Rear Window
Eyes Wide Shut

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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
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- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
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- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

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The WeatherPixie

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English disgisen, from Middle French desguiser, from Old French, from des- dis- + guise guise
1 a : to change the customary dress or appearance of b : to furnish with a false appearance or an assumed identity
2 : to obscure the existence or true state or character of : CONCEAL
3 : something that most people with Bipolar Disorder live behind every day of their lives

Well, the doc called with the results of my liver cat scan.

Yes, my liver is enlarged.

No, he doesn't think it's much of a problem.

And no, for once he didn't find yet another thing wrong. I'm cool with that, believe me.

So Monday they will send in the camera crew and take a look at my throat down to my toes, or there-abouts, and lets hope they have a team of carpenters on call in case they find something that needs work.

Because, let's face it, if they don't find something, they can't fix this, and I'd hate to just have to live on Lidocaine from now on. That can't be good for ya.

We sold our house to our daughter, done deal. She is letting us live here until we can find a new one. We are now aggressively hunting for a new, cheaper home, and we keep returning to a beautiful one (read "handyman's special") that we found near downtown. Then again, every time we return, we seem to find something else wrong with it. Sheesh, I'm starting to identify with the poor thing.

The house is smaller than the one we are in now. That means that about half of the "stuff" we have has to go.

And darn it, you can sure get attached to "stuff."

Through all of this, my mood state keeps trying to go south with a vengeance. I can't let my wife know, her stress level is already red lined. So I've been leaning on my support network, and they've been there for me.

In the meantime, I feign normalcy.

But sometimes, behind the laughing joking mask...it just hurts. However, that is the way life is, and every single person out there with a mood disorder that reads this knows exactly what I'm talking about. We can't always let them know. These tears that randomly come from the chemical explosions in our brains, they are our private tears so much of the time.

So often we are actors on a stage, hiding behind our Harliquin masques, grinning with wild effort as we sob inside with velvet dispair.

This can be a serious and crippling situation. Let me show you how uncomfortable it can be by relating the following story about a mask to you.

A man is lying in bed in a Irish Catholic Hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black ?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The Ward Sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black ?"

Being a nurse longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bed clothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them !!!"

Frustrated at this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again:

"Are my test results back?!?"

I imagine it might feel odd to laugh at that, I mean, it's funny, but after my introduction to it you may have felt a bit like you shouldn't. Sort of uncomfortable, out of synch. Like the man in the bed.

Usually, a person in a normal mood state will find the joke funny. But a person with a mood state that is out of kilter might identify too strongly with the humiliated patient, and fail to see the humor, but if everyone else laughs, they will too.

It's a survival mechanism that most of us learn.

We have to.

The alternative is just unthinkable.

If a person were to try stripping the disguises from actors while they play a scene upon stage, showing to the audience their real looks and the faces they were born with, would not such a one spoil the whole play ? And would not the spectators think he deserved to be driven out of the theatre with brickbats, as a drunken disturber ?... Now what else is the whole life of mortals but a sort of comedy, in which the various actors, disguised by various costumes and masks, walk on and play each one his part, until the manager waves them off the stage ? Moreover, this manager frequently bids the same actor to go back in a different costume, so that he who has but lately played the king in scarlet now acts the flunkey in patched clothes. Thus all things are presented by shadows.
--Erasmus, The Praise of Folly

Permalink: 8/21/2005 12:23:00 AM |
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