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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:

The WeatherPixie

Monday, April 07, 2003

Sometimes, you have to tear yourself in half to find yourself at all


Function: noun
Etymology: Danish & German; Danish, from German
Date: circa 1942
1. a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity
2. Something I have just recently had to learn to deal with.

Leave it to the Germans to invent such a concept and give it a name. At 43, I am having my face shoved in it and having to wear it around like some kind of birthday banner. Anxiety, apprehension, insecurity, all have become my constant companions for the last two months and will probably be my companions now for life.

But wait, I'm jumping ahead here. Lets back up a few years.

Like maybe 35 or so.

I'm eight years old, life is a wondrous thing, and it never occurred to me that it would not be full of joy and promise and all the other things an eight year old boy wants from life. But something happened.  Something in my brain started misfiring, and gradually there was not enough seratonin. Of course, back then, who knew kids could be "mentally ill"? Certainly not me, or my parents. Remember, this is WAY before Ritalin.

So, in my ignorance, I began what would turn into a lifetime of barreling through obstacles, of being a type A in a type B person. Years and years of being who I was not to everyone that knew me, of being the consummate actor, the sad clown, the overachiever who just wanted to be loved because he felt so alone. And I would never admit it to myself, because I was trying to keep that "positive mental attitude" and be a "winner." Never let 'em see you sweat, never let 'em see you cry.

All this because of a chemical deficiency.

So, now here I am, 43 years old and recently diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.  Its my second month now knowing I've been living with this thing, and knowing has changed me to my core.

Who am I, after all?  I do not have a clue.

This is a mid life crisis on steroids.

I figure this blog will help me figure out the answer to these questions that are swamping me. Who am I, what do I really like, how do I really act, how can I go about living with this demon inside me tossing my emotions into loops every few days. I need somewhere for all these thoughts to spill out, and this is as good a place as any.

More later on how we found out what I had, and how close I came to not being here at all.

"Insecurity, commonly regarded as a weakness in normal people, is the basic tool of the actor's trade." - Miranda Richardson

"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." - Robert Bloch


Permalink: 4/07/2003 03:02:00 PM |
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