angst
Function: noun
Etymology: Danish & German; Danish, from German
Date: circa 1942
1. a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity
2. Something I have just recently had to learn to deal with.
Leave it to the Germans to invent such a concept and give it a name. At 43, I am having my face shoved in it and having to wear it around like some kind of birthday banner. Anxiety, apprehension, insecurity, all have become my constant companions for the last two months and will probably be my companions now for life.
But wait, I'm jumping ahead here. Lets back up a few years.
Like maybe 35 or so.
I'm eight years old, life is a wondrous thing, and it never occurred to me that it would not be full of joy and promise and all the other things an eight year old boy wants from life. But something happened. Something in my brain started misfiring, and gradually there was not enough seratonin. Of course, back then, who knew kids could be "mentally ill"? Certainly not me, or my parents. Remember, this is WAY before Ritalin.
So, in my ignorance, I began what would turn into a lifetime of barreling through obstacles, of being a type A in a type B person. Years and years of being who I was not to everyone that knew me, of being the consummate actor, the sad clown, the overachiever who just wanted to be loved because he felt so alone. And I would never admit it to myself, because I was trying to keep that "positive mental attitude" and be a "winner." Never let 'em see you sweat, never let 'em see you cry.
All this because of a chemical deficiency.
So, now here I am, 43 years old and recently diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. Its my second month now knowing I've been living with this thing, and knowing has changed me to my core.
Who am I, after all? I do not have a clue.
This is a mid life crisis on steroids.
I figure this blog will help me figure out the answer to these questions that are swamping me. Who am I, what do I really like, how do I really act, how can I go about living with this demon inside me tossing my emotions into loops every few days. I need somewhere for all these thoughts to spill out, and this is as good a place as any.
More later on how we found out what I had, and how close I came to not being here at all.
"Insecurity, commonly regarded as a weakness in normal people, is the basic tool of the actor's trade." - Miranda Richardson
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." - Robert Bloch
