"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Thursday, December 25, 2003
A Nervous Boil
dis-qui-et Function: transitive verb
Date: circa 1530
1 : to take away the peace or tranquillity of
2 : what I am feeling now, for some reason
It's Christmas Eve, and I'm feeling rather disturbed.
I started today well, and the day at work went OK too. We only worked a half a day today, so I was able to go home early. And it looks like things at work are going to go through that major change I have been looking forward to in the next couple of weeks.
But still, I am feeling tension. And I don't know why.
I went to the grocery store on the way home, a store I had not been to but a couple of times. Even though it was Christmas Eve, I found myself unable to connect to the people around me like I normally do. I just couldn't muster the smiles and cross the distance between them and me.
This tells me something. This tells me that the problem here is not the people around me or anything outside of me. My disquiet is from within, erupting inside of me unbidden and unrelated to anything outside. Its just another mood swing, chemical, unpleasant, and internal.
Knowing that, I can feel logically better, but it really does not help the mood any. I hope that sleep will revitalize me; tomorrow is Christmas.
I stood on the porch tonight. It was cool and rainy. I looked down the street at the neighbor's Christmas lights. Even with my mood in the funk it's in, I can sense a spark of magic there, a bit of wonder at Christmas Eve night, a glitter of Christmas hope leftover from my childhood.
Perhaps that magic can cast just a bit of sparkle on me tonight, and light me up tomorrow.
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)
