"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Monday, March 08, 2004
My God, I Confess
This week's Blogger Idol topic is a hard one, because just writing about it opens doors that make me feel very vulnerable. Then again, vulnerability has its place, too.
heart Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English hert, from Old English heorte; akin to Old High German herza heart, Latin cord-, cor, Greek kardia
1 : a hollow muscular organ of vertebrate animals that by its rhythmic contraction acts as a force pump maintaining the circulation of the blood
2 : PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION
3 : the emotional or moral as distinguished from the intellectual nature: as a : generous disposition : COMPASSION b : LOVE, AFFECTIONS c : COURAGE, ARDOR
4 : one's innermost character, feelings, or inclinations
5 : What God looks at.
Its been nice lately, being able to chat with you more often. Knowing that you are there, even when I can't see you, gives my life meaning it wouldn't have without you.
But, you know that.
Yeah, I know, it took too long for me and my life to even get to this point, or maybe I should say to heal back to it, and this is surely still not where you want our relationship to be.
Sad? Of course that makes me sad. There is a part of me that yearns so strongly for you, and I want to follow that part.
I've missed you. I remember the times when your Spirit infused me with such joy, such purpose. I remember the times when I abandoned my soul and fate to you, utterly. And I know that the only one who runs away from this is me, not you.
But, sometimes I am so weak. And there is sin in my life that tugs so strongly, that stands between us.
I confess, yes, it is sin. No matter how I try to reword it or justify it or explain it, it's keeping me from your side.
And I want to be by your side.
I really do. More than anything.
I am struggling so hard, Father, I am trying to fight this thing, to beat this thi...
What? What is that you are saying?
I'm not supposed to struggle against it? That only You can beat it, and it has to be through Your strength and not mine?
That makes sense. I see it now.
I confess, I am weak, too weak.
But you aren't.
You are never too weak.
Forgive me, yet again. And help me to walk better, so that one day we can run.
And oh, thanks, Heavenly Dad, for the hug.
The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.
Saint Jerome (374 AD - 419 AD)