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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

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The WeatherPixie

Friday, May 07, 2004

Mind If I Rage?

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from hate + Old English r[AE]den condition -- more at KINDRED
1 : HATE
2 : prejudiced hostility or animosity
3 : something I'd rather not have ever learned.

"I have never hated someone before in my life. And now, I do. I was praying today that God would just give him a heart attack and take him from my life right then and right there, and I would be completely fine with that."

I think that stunned my mother a bit. She had never heard me talk like that before.

"You know, we didn't raise you to think that way."

"Yeah, I know. It's not like I'm gonna go hunting for him with a knife or anything, but if someone showed up with one I wouldn't stop them."

I was a bit riled, to say the least.

I was talking about Gary, our plant manager and self proclaimed king. When we moved the corporate office to this location, Gary changed almost overnight. All of a sudden, he became lazy, boorish, angry, confrontational and foul mouthed.

He was the largest factor in my hospitalization and almost self termination a year and a half ago, and a continued hindrance and obstacle to my recovery. For some reason, I guess he felt unfairly overwhelmed by the new responsibility, and he blamed me for it and put a big mental target on my head. I can't think of a single opportunity he missed to attack me, backstab me, or twist a knife once it was in.

Sheesh, the guy makes trips to my office just to cuss at me.


Under his "kingship" (I use that word because he declared that's how he looked at it to the VP one day when I was in there, and the VP as usual didn't have the backbone to disavow him of that notion) our plant has suffered. It is in worse shape than ever, and may likely be forced to close its doors as early as next week. This is primarily because of work schedules that did not make maximum use of our machinery, which caused our company to operate in the red.

Way ta go, champ. It ain't like I didn't tell everyone.

So, yesterday he comes to the plant for the third time in four weeks (Did I mention he was lazy?) and walks into my office with a minor report we had prepared for the State.

"What the F*** are these figures??!?" he shouts.

"Well, let me see the report," I say. He jerks it back like its some sort of secret dossier.

"F*** see the report! What the F*** are these F***ing figures??!?" After I just sit there a moment, he realizes that I can't very well answer his question without actually seeing the report in question.

Turns out that the state form had been vague on one number, which I quickly recalculated.

And I was now on the way home, fuming on my cell phone.

"You know that isn't right to feel that way," my mother said.

And part of me was thinking, no, I am perfectly justified to feel this way. No one should ever have to put up with this sort of thing.

But the other part of me was calmly asserting, wait, your mother's right.

Galations 5:19-23
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Well, as I looked through my Bible, I saw a lot of times where anger was mentioned. But it was GOD'S anger. Otherwise, it was cautioned against.

Self control, Cliff.

Self control.

You know, being shoved into the "hate" mode almost physically hurts me. I am so attuned to not being that way, that one episode of it can haunt me for days. I'm just not wired that way.

I'm wired quite the opposite.

Which, sadly, doesn't work in "real life." Not only will you be a stepping stone to some, and a punching bag to others, and a patsy to even others, even people that like what you are will tell you not to be that way, that all these things will happen to you.

Well, maybe they will.

That's the deal, isn't it?

I'm good with that.

Except with Gary.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
Cherie Carter-Scott, "If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules"

Permalink: 5/07/2004 01:17:00 PM |
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