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Peace of mind, I fear, is learned behavior not a s...
What If the Man Behind the Curtain is No Wizard Af...
From great pains arises great compassion
Sometimes, you have to tear yourself in half to fi...

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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

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Thursday, April 10, 2003

Life is a row of Dominos

Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : a conclusion derived through logic : INFERENCE
2 : something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions
3 : a calculated response to a wrong conclusion, like at my job

When I got out of the hospital, actually even before I got out, I was very open with my coworkers and my company about the fact that I had bipolar disorder. I tried to make clear to them that this was a chemical problem that was corrected by the meds I was taking, although I would probably have to have them adjusted a few times along the way. I explained that my off the wall behavior over the last six months had been beyond my control and should never happen again now that I was on the proper medications to make my moods more stable for life.

For some reason, I thought that would be easy to understand.

Over the past two months, I have made a concentrated effort to mend the working relationship with those that I had upset over my last (hopefully last ever!) severe mania episode and the wild cycles that followed it. I have seen the relationships grow from standoffishness to friendship, or at least a good working relationship. I thought.

I thought I had pulled it off, I thought I was "there." I'm not.

Last week, a creditor of our company garnished our bank account for over a quarter of a million dollars. Needless to say we are overdrawn by over a quarter of a million dollars. The eventual solution, arrived at by the upper management after almost a week's worth of undivided effort, was to open another account under a subsidiary company at the same bank. All well and good, except that yesterday when they did this I was not made a signatory on the account.

Imagine that, the Controller of the company not a signatory on the checking account! Oversight? Intentional? Hard to tell, but some decision must have been made on the matter. And I came up short.

Obviously someone that was involved in the transaction felt threatened by me, and all three of them could have qualified. The attorney that was a part of it had been the CEO, but I was instrumental in his being removed from the position. The VP was one of his best friends (and still is), and the plant manager was one of his drinking buddies, something the former CEO does a great deal of. And there's no telling how they really think of my "condition" or what has been said or encouraged by conversations I have not known about.

Consequences. I hate office politics. Now I'll have to go through all kinds of rigamarole to get access to the information I need to perform my duties. How idiotic. They tell me its temporary, we'll see. Whatever happens, I'm the only one that has to jump through any hoops on it since I'm the guy that keeps the records, prints the checks, balances the books, you get the idea. Not that I want to sign the checks too, but its the access to the information that's going to cause a problem.

What a useless mess. I'm very disappointed in people sometimes.

Words mean things. - Rush Limbaugh

Permalink: 4/10/2003 09:54:00 AM |
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