"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
A Watched Pot Never Boils, Right?
trep·i·da·tion Function: noun
Etymology: Latin trepidation-, trepidatio, from trepidare to tremble, from trepidus agitated; probably akin to Old English thrafian to urge, push, Greek trapein to press grapes
1 archaic : a tremulous motion
2 : timorous uncertain agitation
3 : That bubbling just below the surface feeling I have right now
One of the worst things for me since I was diagnosed with bipolar eight months ago is the constant self examination I seem to be going through.
This is natural for anyone who is diagnosed with a mental illness, I expect. It seems to be universal among people with this one, anyway. When we have emotions, we are constantly looking inward and thinking, "Is it me? Is it the disease?" This is even harder because if it is the disease, it could be impossible to spot since we have to look at it through the disease.
So many times I have heard others say "How do I know where I stop and this thing begins?" We torture ourselves trying to figure ourselves out, and beat ourselves up when we find the task almost impossible.
Like today. I am feeling a bit "agitated." Is it due to some event in my day? Nothing has really happened except for one of Gary's frequent crass outbursts, and they don't bother me any more most of the time because I have concluded that the problem is not me, its him. At least when it comes down to the two of us. I really hate working with him, and would jump at the chance to say sayonara. What a waste of a person.
Or am I worried about something? Tomorrow I go to the eye doctor for a checkup. I had a bad eye injury in college, and I have not told anyone this, but it seems to be acting up a bit. I'm hoping that its nothing, but if it is, its going to be major. And I've had enough major for a few years, thank you.
Sheesh, I'm falling apart like a wet piece of particle board.
(Come to think of it, I'm swelling up like one too lately. Hmmm, may be onto something there!)
Could I feel agitated solely because of my illness? That is very likely. For so many years I had the process backwards and did not know it. I would feel a certain way, then look to events to justify my feeling. I now know that that is backwards thinking, but its hard to break the habit.
So right now I want to inventory my life and see what could be agitating me, and am trying to resist the urge. Nothing good can come of that, I don't need to go there.
Frankly, I am quite tired of being a mess.
But somehow, within me, there is a feeling that if I can just ride this horse long enough, be diligent enough, try hard enough...
If I can watch the pot closely enough, maybe it will never boil at all?
So it is with minds. Unless you keep them busy with some definite subject that will bridle and control them, they throw themselves in disorder hither and yon in the vague field of imagination. ..And there is no mad or idle fancy that they do not bring forth in the agitation.
Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)