"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Friday, June 06, 2003
Sometimes Life is Just Uncomfortable.
stress Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English stresse stress, distress, short for destresse
Date: 14th century
1 : a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation
2 : a state resulting from a stress; especially : one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium
3 : What I think I inadvertently caused.
I really didn't mean this to be like this. Really.
I'm having a birthday party this weekend at my house for myself. The last year has been so awful that I just felt like I've earned the party, especially since there were times when I did not think I would see this birthday come. So I said what the heck, throw a party.
Simple, happy decision, right? I invite all the friends I can think of, including two co-workers. I did not invite all of my co-workers, only two of them. Frankly, I did not want the others there. One caused me a great deal of problems and is persona non grata as far as my wife is concerned, and the other is a lot older than anyone else that I invited. Since inviting one meant inviting the other, that meant neither was invited.
Everything was going well until this morning. Only one of the co-workers I had invited is here today, and since first thing today she has seemed like she was really stressed. I'm thinking maybe she does not want to come and can't figure out how to say that since she already said she would. The other one is also now saying there may be a schedule conflict. They were going to come together, and I had invited them both with that in mind.
The last thing I wanted to do was cause a problem, and it seems from my end that I have. I could either ignore it and leave the stress the way it is, or go actually ASK and see if this is the case or not. Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid? Maybe this has nothing to do with me whatsoever?
Or is this sort of a hypo manic thing? It IS that time of year. I hope not, I thought I was under control.
The more I think about this the more I think that I need to go say something. I think I'd better.
OK, its now five minutes later. I did not say anything. Sometimes its easier just to let things play out as they will. Not sure if that is fair or not, but right now I probably will do that. I just feel a little too vulnerable right now to go put myself on the line like that. I'm so afraid I will be cycling into mania and not know it. I don't think I am, I hope I'm not. I just want to be regular and be a friend.
One hour later, and the end of the day. My better judgment got the best of me and I took her aside at the last moment and said that since the other co-worker might not make it, if that was the case I would understand, I didn't want it to be a stress situation for her. The ice immediately broke. That was the right thing to do, and no I'm not manic.
Come to think of it, that whole situation was quite a compliment.
What the heck, happy birthday me!
It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the mechanisms of friendship.
Colette (1873 - 1954), The Pure and the Impure, 1932