"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Every step we take is part of our journey.
ad·vance Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English advauncen, from Old French avancier, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin abantiare, from Late Latin abante in front, from Latin ab- + ante before -- more at ANTE-
Date: 15th century
1 : to move forward
2 : to make progress
3 : What I think I am doing
Slowly but surely, I think I am getting better.
It never fails to amaze me how much difference the right (or wrong) meds can make. The doctor changed my medications last week yet again attempting to find the right "cocktail" that would make me as good as possible. It was close but no banana.
I spent last weekend hardly saying a word because inside all I could feel was this vast emptiness. It was even beyond sadness, it was just "blankness." It was not fun. And it was not "right" either, it was obvious we still did not have the proper mix of medications yet.
So day before yesterday, the meds changed again. This time I think we may be closer.
Last night I had some friends over for pizza. I had a wonderful time, was relaxed most of the evening, and just enjoyed them being there. The difficulty I had two weeks ago getting comfortable seemed pretty much gone. I guess it was chemical too. That's a good thing. If its chemical it may be able to be fixed, or may even already have been. I really appreciated the chance to just kick back and be myself a bit. Its been too long, and I've almost forgotten who I am.
My friend seems to be discovering who she is too. Now that her meds are pretty balanced (she was in the hospital the same time I was), she has just started a new job and is excited about working again, even though there are the usual rough edges. She's working at the SPCA and wanted to work only with dogs since she is allergic to cats, and is having a hard time convincing her boss that she simply can't work with cats or she will get very very sick. Hopefully she will get it worked out. She was more comfortable and laughing more last night than I have ever seen. It was good to see her that happy.
It amazes me that such tiny pills can have such a huge effect on our moods and personality. I can only guess that the sum total of the actual chemicals in our brains that are having the effect are less than a drop or two if all placed together. Incredible, that just such a small amount of an imbalance can cause such giant effect, even changing the courses of lives and careers and families. Our bodies are more finely tuned machines than we imagine in our wildest fantasies.
Another guest that we had invited was unable to make it because her meds were still way off base. After several days of feeling wonderful, she had plunged into a dark place where she did not want to have anything to do with any people at all. I know how bad that place is, I've been there. I felt so sorry for her, but the only thing I could do is let her know we all understood perfectly and would be back in touch. It is really the mark of true friendship, I think, when one feels that they can expose their vulnerabilities to another in that depth. She knew I would understand, and I am honored by that.
But for me, I think I am doing better, at least the last couple of days. Hope this is a trend. I could use a trend or two.
Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
