"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Friendship should be a two way street, but what if it isn't?
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frEond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frEon to love, frEo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE
2 : one that is not hostile
3 : Something that I may be redefining
The last few days have been an emotional train wreck.
I guess it started last week with that bout of paranoia I was having, which led to what they call a "breakthrough depression." That means that the lack of chemicals in my brain overwhelmed the antidepressant. By Friday night the voices had returned and kept me up, then I slept most of the day Saturday because I was so exhausted and because the Geodon med was making me so sleepy.
Of course by that night, I was wide awake and dealing with the voices again, so I decided to try the Geodon Sunday morning instead of Saturday night. Well, it knocked me out like a sledgehammer all day and I did a repeat of Saturday.
By Monday morning's visit to the psychiatrist, I was in a very similar state to what I had been in when I was admitted. The paranoia was excruciating, and my mood was all over the place. He changed my meds yet again (to be expected) but I could not take the new ones till bedtime, so I had to deal with the paranoia all day long.
I did NOT go into work, that would have been really stupid. I just sat at home and boiled all day long. I called two friends of mine to see if they had any experience with the new meds I had, neither one did.
I think my coworkers resented this, not a single one asked me if I was feeling better on Tuesday when I came in. They have no idea how bad I had been. A former coworker in another office who happened to call on the phone did ask (she had called me at home the day before) and that made me feel at least a little bit of a friend to somebody.
Wednesday (yesterday) the meds kicked in a little harder and I actually felt good when I awakened. I got to work all chipper and feeling ready for the day but it was not ten minutes later that the plant manager had a knock down drag out with me over something idiotic that he had no knowledge of and no business getting involved in. I used to count this guy as one of my best friends. He fell from that position completely when we moved out to this plant site. I had been his cheerleader to the Board, telling them what a good job he could do as plant manager. So they fired the plant manager we had and then put him in the slot. He began attacking me almost immediately and is one of the reasons my office is in a closet. That hurt.
There is another employee that had been a clerical assistant. I noticed that she had an affinity for numbers, so began training her a bit in the accounting, which she took readily to. One morning she had come into my office crying that she was going to have to quit because she was making so far below what she should have been paid. I worked it out so that when we moved, she would take the bookkeepers seat here at the plant and have her salary raised to the level the previous bookkeeper had been at. I saw the talent in her that no one else had ever seen and wanted to foster it. She was also one of the primary reasons for my being in this closet when we moved. That hurt even worse.
Do I sound bitter? Well, yeah, I am.
Because I can't work in these conditions with these people any longer. All of my doctors are telling me to get out or its going to kill me. All of my psychosis is tied to this place and these people. It was not this way before the move to the plant site. I enjoyed my work and thought I worked among friends. Now I know that I don't.
And that is costing me ten years of my life.
I called my wife and asked her to talk me into not leaving immediately. She talked me into staying till her surgery and recuperation are over in a few weeks. I'll see if I can do it.
Last night when I got to my computer at home I had an instant message from a friend in Florida saying to try to contact him, so I did. He wanted me to know that he had read this blog and wished he could do something to help. I wish he could too :) but even knowing there was someone who cared out there, someone who was not related to me and HAD to care, that felt really good. So yes, John, if you read this you did help. I was having breakthrough depression again and that chat stopped it from getting worse.
Later on in the evening I had a call from Teresa. She is one of the most adorable people I have ever met. She was in hospital the same time I was. We are separated by more than a generation but we hit it off pretty quickly. She was calling because she had picked up on Monday when I called her that I was not doing well, and she was worried. Teresa had a huge problem with her meds being wrong and had to make a return visit to the hospital, but she is all together now. She made me feel really good just by calling.
Two false friends and two real friends. Such a difference between the two.
Today I had an email from Ras Robinson, who sends out a daily message called "What the Lord is Saying Today." Before I opened it I lifted a quick prayer for it to have a messge for me within. It did, here is what it said:
April 17, 2003. You are my friend. And I say unto you today show yourself friendly whether you always feel like it or not. Your friendships are worth your efforts to nurture and maintain. Blessed is the person who has a close friend. Especially blessed is the person who has multiple real friends. Make sure you get and stay reconciled with your friends. Faithful are the wounds of a friend and iron sharpens iron. Therefore do not run away when there seems to be an offense. Rather redouble your efforts to save and restore your friend. I am bringing this to you attention because I am seeing a tendency on your part to not work hard on your friendships. Long ago you became my friend. During our friendship you have often transgressed but I still love you. You and I are tight. And our relationship is forever. You are my friend.
So, what do we do when friendship seems to be a one way street?
And that's going to be a hard thing to do.
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
William Blake (1757 - 1827)