"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Thursday, April 10, 2003
How do you know what you think when you are thinking with a broken thinker?
para·noia Function: noun
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek, madness, from paranous demented, from para- + nous mind
Date: circa 1811
1 : A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
2 : What I am feeling like right now.
Ok, get a grip here Cliff.
[insert deep breath here]
What a bad day I am having, or at least I think I am having. Sometimes its hard to tell. I am not sure whether I am really threatened here or whether one of my meds is wearing thin, it could be either. Sheesh, what a dilemma, because the response needs to be different depending on which it is.
Well, they actually are going through extra trouble making sure I am not a signatory on the account, which means that no, they do not want me to be one. That's not an oversight. And the plant manager is carrying a pad around with financial information on it, which is my baileywick. They've been working on it all morning and have not asked me a thing or brought me into the loop.
Paranoid? Its so easy to trick myself. But maybe not, huh?
Problem is, I'm a great salesman, and can even sell my thoughts to me.
I had a slew of paranoid thoughts before my hospitalization, since bipolar disorder can chemically create paranoia. After going on medication, I got better and the thoughts went away. Several times I had them again and recognized them for what they were, and we upped the dose and they went away again. Then we had to change meds, so maybe the same thing is happening again?
Sheesh, I don't need this, I got work to do. Right now I feel like just quitting and saying sayonara.
That's not a good thing.
Paranoia means having all the facts.
William S. Burroughs (1914 - )
