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Working with Broken Machines
Riding the Earthquake per·se·vere Function:...
The Winds Come mon·ster Function: noun Etym...
A Scratch on the Glass mar Pronunciation: 'mä...
Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
Finally, the Sound Turned Off lull Function: ...
Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
Whispers of Sundays Past rem·i·nis·cence Func...
Dreaming of Ivory Towers dor·mi·to·ry Functio...
Fixing a Puzzle Blindfolded rue Function: nou...

Click to go to the most current Cliff Between the Lines
Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:

The WeatherPixie

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Stranger in my Shoes

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English decepcioun, from Middle French deception, from Late Latin deception-, deceptio, from Latin decipere to deceive
Date: 15th century
1 a : the act of deceiving b : the fact or condition of being deceived
2 : something that deceives : TRICK
3 : What my mind does to me.

Sometimes I feel like I am missing a leg.

Or maybe the feeling is more like I suddenly became someone that is not me, that is more of a pariah than the friendly person I am.

Its probably the mood swings, but when I get into a group of people that is really important to me, I feel so left out, so outcast. I feel like a stranger that is only tolerated, only allowed to be present on sufferance. A person who the entire group could suddenly look at and laugh at, without warning, and with my not knowing the joke or what I was doing to feed it.

And I don't know why. Its like I have missed some vital part of myself along the way. I can't relax, and the tension is really unpleasant. The amazing part is that I enjoy being around people, I love meeting new ones, its just the people who have known me for a while that have the problem. Or rather that I have this problem with.

Or maybe the problem is me. I wish I knew. I have no idea what direction this boat should point. I just know I have to sail it.

I feel lessened. Inadequate. And I don't like that, and don't know how to fix it. But, am I really lessened or is my view skewed? Can I even pretend to think that I could even be capable of seeing unskewed?

Has some discordant note been introduced into the symphony of my life that only I can hear?

The answer is probably yes.

But it does not change how it feels.

I find that people I interact with on an occasional basis really seem to like me. When I go into the grocery store, every single cashier personally says hello to me. At the doctor's offices, all the nurses and receptionists know me and like me. When I go to organization meetings, the same thing applies. Its like at these places I can be me, that somehow the curtain is pulled back and I am what I always was.

What I need to do is to find out how to do that in my regular everyday life, with people I am always with. But it feels like there is some kind of wall, some barrier.

I remember when that barrier was not there.

I hate walls. Assuming, of course, that there really is a wall at all. That's what's so hard, telling the reality from the chemical deceptions.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Unknown, Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Permalink: 11/26/2003 02:26:00 PM |
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