"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Stranger in my Shoes
de?·cep?·tion Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English decepcioun, from Middle French deception, from Late Latin deception-, deceptio, from Latin decipere to deceive
Date: 15th century
1 a : the act of deceiving b : the fact or condition of being deceived
2 : something that deceives : TRICK
3 : What my mind does to me.
Sometimes I feel like I am missing a leg.
Or maybe the feeling is more like I suddenly became someone that is not me, that is more of a pariah than the friendly person I am.
Its probably the mood swings, but when I get into a group of people that is really important to me, I feel so left out, so outcast. I feel like a stranger that is only tolerated, only allowed to be present on sufferance. A person who the entire group could suddenly look at and laugh at, without warning, and with my not knowing the joke or what I was doing to feed it.
And I don't know why. Its like I have missed some vital part of myself along the way. I can't relax, and the tension is really unpleasant. The amazing part is that I enjoy being around people, I love meeting new ones, its just the people who have known me for a while that have the problem. Or rather that I have this problem with.
Or maybe the problem is me. I wish I knew. I have no idea what direction this boat should point. I just know I have to sail it.
I feel lessened. Inadequate. And I don't like that, and don't know how to fix it. But, am I really lessened or is my view skewed? Can I even pretend to think that I could even be capable of seeing unskewed?
Has some discordant note been introduced into the symphony of my life that only I can hear?
The answer is probably yes.
But it does not change how it feels.
I find that people I interact with on an occasional basis really seem to like me. When I go into the grocery store, every single cashier personally says hello to me. At the doctor's offices, all the nurses and receptionists know me and like me. When I go to organization meetings, the same thing applies. Its like at these places I can be me, that somehow the curtain is pulled back and I am what I always was.
What I need to do is to find out how to do that in my regular everyday life, with people I am always with. But it feels like there is some kind of wall, some barrier.
I remember when that barrier was not there.
I hate walls. Assuming, of course, that there really is a wall at all. That's what's so hard, telling the reality from the chemical deceptions.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Unknown, Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"