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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.




- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
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- Picture This
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- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)



 
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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)




"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)











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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
 

Grasping for Air

in-no-cence
Function: noun
1 a : freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil : BLAMELESSNESS b : CHASTITY c : freedom from legal guilt of a particular crime or offense d (1) : freedom from guile or cunning : SIMPLICITY (2) : lack of worldly experience or sophistication e : lack of knowledge : IGNORANCE [written in entire innocence of the Italian language -- E. R. Bentley]
2 : one that is innocent
3 : a quality that seens to be lacking in my life.

It was Winnie the Pooh that started it.

I was heading home today from a dual meeting with my therapist and my doctor. Amazing, that my life is now punctuated with psychiatrist and therapist appointments. I would never have expected myself to end up here, limping along with the help of chemistry and leased wisdom. But so it goes.

Yeah, I thought I was invincible. Guess what. I wasn't. Far from it.

I remember being young and looking at the future with nothing but promise and excitement. Now, I am older, and the years are wearing on me. I have seen all too many things, and swallowed all too many bitter draughts. I have learned that most of what I knew about the world was a lie from the beginning, because I could not tell the difference.

Life can be tough with a broken thinker, after all.

We each have our challenges. This is mine.

So, today I am driving home and I come to this redlight. While waiting for the light to change I glance over to the next lane, and there is a lady in a car over there looking down into her lap. I can't see her face because she is short; she must have been looking in her purse or something. Then I look into the back seat.

And there on the window is one of those sun blocker things, you know, the ones that pull down like a shade. And on it is an idyllic scene with Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet and Owl cavorting under a tree.

I am transfixed by the realization that in some lives, Winnie the Pooh and all that he represents is a part of day to day life. This epiphany catches me by surprise.

I remember how I felt about characters such as Winnie the Pooh when I was little. They made me feel very secure and very loved. I'll bet that when the mother in that car picked out that sunshade, she felt that too. I mentally put myself into her head, and I felt echoes of that secure feeling as well, memories of years long past.

Such things don't go away, do they?

We just walk off, a bit at a time, until we can't see it anymore.

Well, I want to see it. I want to feel that joy, that security. I want to leave the seriousness and grayness of my life, at least for a while.

I want to be innocent again.

I want to feel that life is good, that everything is "OK."

I want to see Winnie the Pooh, and smile because all is right with the world and always will be.

God, please help me to walk back into the light.


Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) "Emotions"


Permalink: 1/28/2004 07:15:00 PM |
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