"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Saturday, May 08, 2004
fil-ter Function: verb
1 : to subject to the action of a filter
2 : to remove by means of a filter
3 : to see life colored by your own perception
I could not comprehend that she could do that, right there by the side of the road, with that expression on her face.
My wife and I were driving to dinner yesterday evening, and we were passing a jogger who was coming down the sidewalk next to the road. And I was jarred. I mean, there she was running like the world was all well and good, like exercise made a difference, like...well...like nothing was wrong at all!
How could she do that??!? I looked at her face, and could see that I was quite right, she was in harmony with her world, all that concerned her now was placing one step in front of the other.
Instantly I felt that she must be disconnected, she must not be paying attention.
But then I realized, perhaps for the first time really, that I was the one who was disconnected.
My reality has become skewed, not hers.
With the screaming stress at work combined with my daily struggles with several illnesses, just the act of going from day to day has turned into something dire and bleak. And its not supposed to be that way, it really isn't.
I can remember when it wasn't. I can.
The weather outside is absolutely beautiful today. It's about 70 degrees (that's about 20 for you Celsius folks) and the sunshine is blazing away. It's early spring and the flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. The mosquitoes aren't too bad yet either.
Just a few years ago, a very few, I would have been itching to get out in this wonderful weather. Yet now, I find myself sleeping in (it's the weekend) and without any desire to even go to my mailbox.
I'm just exhausted, that's the plain and simple of it.
My filter is out of whack.
Instead of saying "Wow, what a day! Let's go play!" I'm thinking "If I just sit here quiet enough, maybe nothing will notice me..."
These are alien thought patterns to me. I just don't tick this way.
I want to be carefree again, to know that tomorrow won't bring a catastrophe, to be able to enjoy something as simple as running down a sidewalk or walking in the woods. And deep deep inside of me, I know that these things are not too much to ask, that in some way I do have a right to them, that the way things are is not the way things should be.
If intensity of desire itself can bring me to the place where I want to be, then I will get there.
God, if you ever read blogs, and I'll bet you do...
Well, I was going to ask for a break. But then I remembered why all this is happening.
It's a crucible.
And as much as I hate it, as much as it hurts, as hard as it is...
I want nothing more than to be what you want me to be. If that involves this ever increasing tension to get me there, then so be it.
But if not, well, you know what I want.
Here's the keys.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, not a man perfected without trials.