"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Human on the Inside
jag-ged Function: adjective
1 : having a sharply uneven edge or surface
2 : having a harsh, rough, or irregular quality
3 : all of my edges, now
I feel like there's a wound up spring made of razor blades inside of me, and whatever happens I'm not going to enjoy it.
Today was supposed to be "the" day, the day that checks were cut to save our company, the day that my only personal hope in all of the last year and a half's worth of turmoil was going to get all the funding he could ever want.
As of right now, "funds are being dispursed" and I won't know anything else till tomorrow.
I train my eyes on the Interstate ahead, not driving too fast but wanting the music to just blare my thoughts away. I put a CD by the Divinyls in and crank it.
WHAM.
WHAM WHAM.
WHAM.
WHAM WHAM.
The rhythym on this song is huge, and I'm thankful I installed new speakers a month or so ago. I've got it so loud it hurts, and its just what I want.
The song is "Good Die Young" and Christina Amphlett's voice belts out the lyrics like no one else on earth could do.
Looking into your eyes WHAM your eyes WHAM
Are open WHAM are open wide WHAM
No ties WHAM no surprise WHAM in your eyes WHAM
Are open wide WHAM
I'm not soothed. I don't think I could be, right now. But the tension seems drowned out, just for a while. I cruise along, just sitting in the right lane and following a truck, trying to concentrate on the music and not to think at all.
I've had enough thinking lately.
The next song is their cover of the Pretender's song, Human on the Inside. Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders did a fairly slick version of this one. Christina and the rest of the Divinyls seem to thrust the song forward, letting it remain as raw as sunburn.
See I bleed and I bruise oh, but what’s it to you
I’m only human on the inside
And though looks may deceive make it hard to believe
I’m only human on the inside
Well I crash and I burn maybe some day you’ll learn
I’m only human on the inside
I stumble, I fall baby under it all
I’m only human on the inside
On the inside
And the damage is done
There’s blood in these veins and I cry when in pain
I’m only human on the inside
And though looks may decieve make it hard to believe
I’m only human on the inside
For the last two years now, my life has been like a giant rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter and tighter. I've hung in there through huge events at my job, through physical illness, through diagnosis and treatment of a mental illness, through a serious car accident, through upheavals in every single area of my life.
I feel like it's about to pop.
And I don't think that's a good thing, no not at all a good thing.
C'mon Cliff, hang on a few more days. Just a few more days.
Why does the last bit of a race have to be so hard?
Wham
Wham
Wham
Wham.
When griping grief the heart doth wound,
and doleful dumps the mind opresses,
then music, with her silver sound,
with speedy help doth lend redress.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
