"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Bootstraps
pas-sage Function: noun 1 a : the action or process of passing from one place, condition, or stage to another b : a continuous movement or flow [the passage of time]> 2 : what my recent experiences have been for me
Today was the best day I've had in a very, very long time.
My body is finally knitting itself back together, and every day I can feel my strength coming back rapidly. Today I was able to do some physical activity for several hours without any discomfort or pain. It's been almost a year or more since I was able to do that.
It frightens me that my body went downhill so quickly. Only seven years ago, I had my first angioplasty and stent, narrowly missing a heart attack that time as well. The doc lectured me this time as if I had been living on fried chicken and candy bars, and yes I had eaten my share of them, but for the first several years of the period in between my "interventions" I lived quite healthy, walking daily and eating well. I even hiked part of the Appalachian Trail.
Well, OK, it was only a seven mile stretch, but I did do it.
Only in the last three years did I let things slip. I stopped walking, quit eating right. I was in Weight Watchers for about half of it, so I was eating reasonably healthy even then.
And in that three years, my heart almost self destructed.
So now, yeah, I'm "fixed." But how fixed? Will I have another "intervention" in a few years? Or will I miss it next time, and catch the bullet with my name on it?
My family history is horrible. Dad's had a heart attack, and Mom has had a bypass and a transplant, as well as several stents. So I've kind of expected that bullet for a long time. Wouldn't it be a kicker if I died of something completely unexpected?
Trish, one of my closest friends, called me yesterday. She had just been fired from her job, something that had never occurred to her before. She was a basket case. I know how she feels, I've been fired three times myself, and none for a good reason.
My wife feels threatened by Trish. There is no reason to feel that way, of course, but I can't get her to understand. Friends transcend gender, at least to me, and I never mix up friendship with anything else. Besides, I am a faithful husband, and always have been, and always will be.
That's 100% of the time too.
To me, not trusting me in this is almost an insult. Even when I experienced my final unmedicated mania (before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and my libido was running ballistic, I was still 100% faithful. And believe me, when a person with untreated bipolar disorder has that happen, the emotion is a hundred times more intense than it is for the average person. So I've been tested in the fire, and come through unburned.
I need to figure this out, because many of my friends are female, and some of them are pretty too. I would hate to have to ignore half the population. They have so much to offer.
Heck, half of my friends are women.
Anyway, Trish lost her job, which was really causing her a lot of stress she didn't need. As a result, she no longer has enough income to stay here in Richmond, and will have to move home to Virginia Beach. She desperately wants to be a nurse, and that's where her family and the school is. She was planning to go in January, so this just sped things up. I told her it was a good move for her, and I think she thinks so too.
Getting fired is such a hit on your ego. It feels like you were put on stage and everybody pointed and laughed at you. But many times, as in her case, it is due to one person that had decision making capability over you that you didn't hit it off with.
I mean, people frown on butt kissers, but they do get to keep their jobs. The trick is to learn how to do it and keep your dignity. And yes, that can be done.
Everybody, and I mean everybody, has positive traits. If you learn to focus on those, the rest is easy.
There isn't much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren't really living without it. --Real Live Preacher, RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, August 27, 2003 Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com
