"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Hi, my friends.
Over the last five years or so, I've invited you to journey along with me, first here on the Cliff Between the Lines blog, then more recently on the CliffBetweentheLines channel on the YouTube service, which is normally echoed in these pages as well. (Articles here are not echoed to the YouTube service, as they have no facility for print communication of this sort. )
Most recently, you have travelled with me down some of the harder roads I have walked. I have had close friends die. I have lost others suddenly and irreplaceably that have left giant and permanent holes in my heart.
I finally found the me that I laid aside so long ago, pieced me back together, and set out on a path to freedom. Well, it was so good at the time...
Since then, I have had my mind betray me in many ways and continue to do so in ever greater degrees. The ticket is ever a surprise, but the cost, which soars higher and higher each time, is ever mine to bear.
So here is the update that you deserve, as my friends.
I came to my house temporarily, not even intending to spend a night. Since then I have never left. I have been sleeping in my office on the floor until I could secure an apartment, then more for a short period as my wife asked for time to try to work things out which I agreed to. All this time the old tension has been there, simmering, but controlled because it was temporary. For much of this time tension was high, and rising.
For not only is my wife in the house, but my stepson and his family. He lost everything he owned in a bad venture in Florida, and we paid for him to move himself, his wife, his seventeen year old daughter, his eleven year old son, his two dogs, one of which is a pit bull, his several cats including two deformed ones that have leukemia, and a bird with a talent for singing at the top of her lungs at 4am, right into the house. That's why I am on the office floor for weeks, and now a cot. They are a family that lives quite loudly. QUITE loudly. Under the "Why should you yell when you could holler" philosophy. Combine this with the "He who shouts loudest wins" correllary, and you can see how things start shaking out pretty quickly.
Then a few weeks ago, the diagnosis you've seen on the memory and IQ situation. Too many unknowns. And simultaneously another situation that has left a lasting and probably permanent wound at a time when I could not handle another blow.
My mind, where I live, not only broken now, but pieces falling out, slipping. Now I am no longer me, but some part of me without all of me and maybe later only some of me. What,what ifs fill my mind.
What if I go grocery shopping and forget what car I have?
Or what if I forget the way home?
Or what home looks like (already done that once)?
What if I forget HOW to drive? And don't know it? Or what if I forget something like gasoline? Brakes? Steering? What if I awaken and I have forgotten my pet?
What if I can't understand the directions on my food?
This could happen, unless we find something different out. My mind is no longer functioning normally. I can no longer trust it.
I cannot possibly live alone in an apartment.
I reel with that realization, because all of my direction rests on that one key, now gone. I can't leave. I can't leave. I can't leave.
My wife is trying as hard as she can to fix things, surprising me. Yet every day that passes, the tension inside me builds, the hopelessness, as I fail to find a solution to this. I've almost decided to just surrender to failure, and give up, but I don't and I awaken the next day more strung than the day before. Some nights I never even attempt to sleep at all.
The docs have me on massive amounts of medication. Massive. One med I am on a doseage that is half again bigger than the dose my body reacted to as toxic only four years ago, and I weighed 25% more then. Another I am taking twelve times my regular dose, and tomorrow morning I may have to go to sixteen times. I am in unexplored country, and my body is jerking and quaking and uncontrollably shivering to the point where sometimes I can't type, or put a CD in a player, or press buttons on a remote or a stereo. But with enough, with enough, with enough, the turmoil quietens enough to think, to live.
And in a couple of days, it overpowers the meds, and up we go yet again.
I have taken to doing the music montages because they calm me, and sometimes they even allow me to say things I can't easily say. They give me a touch of beauty, even if a sad melancholy beauty, it is still beauty.
I wanted so very badly to be able to balance everything, so that I could have my broken mind as a minor part of my life that I could work around and go on about my living. Beginning of June, I was thinking I might could hold a job.
Now I can barely hold a cup of coffee.
Is there any ghost of a normal life in this for me anymore? Right now there are actually three chances of that, squeezing every bit of optimism I can find.
1. The doctors might not have a clue what they are doing. This might be the case because they didn't seem to have a clue how to treat this. On the other hand, this one doesn't really get me any more well, does it?
2. There was one reference that this can in some ultra rare circumstances be caused by migraines. This is a very slim chance, but I'm pushing it.
3. My great friend Pearl in Australia has promised me that she is sending me something that will "change my life." I personally saw it do that to her virtually overnight, overcoming out a serious illness, measured and tested, which had been completely debilitating her. And you know? Right now, with my bucket of whatever, she has my undivided attention and I think my best chance of all. Hurry Mr. Postman. It isn't the first time for this Aussie Angel, nor will it be the last. She's one of these people that, if you get lost, she'll be standing there waiting for you with a map and compass.
So there it is. I don't wanna give bad news. Usually I'll duct tape a smile on and go for it.
But sometimes, like now, I think I should be straight up with you, not pull any punches. This is it, warts and all. Tears and fears and all the rest.
I'm not posting this on YouTube, only here on Blogger. I'll do a "tag" video to point to this, but that's all. If you are here from YouTube, you may use either comment system although you will find this one more convenient at this point. If you want to monitor the answers, there's a check box for that.
I am pleading for ideas. I am out. I am in treading water mode but you can only do that so long. So comment soon and often, please.
If I am here, I'll be acting as normal, probably making vids here and there, posting stuff, commenting. But now all of you know what only a few of you did a few minutes ago, that it is only a veneer, and a very thin one at that. And the veneer is cracking rapidly.
The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough.
Saw the doc this afternoon. Almost decided to go inpatient, but holding out for now. He says what is getting me is accumulated over the last five years, and its basically battlefield fatigue, for lack of a better term. He left my meds as is because I'm pretty much maxed out now and can't handle any more, and I'm at label maximum on several.
I saw many friends this evening. I found myself running on autopilot, or otherwise being quiet and withdrawn. They are all aware and would do anything for me, but what? My dear friend J was there as well, she is one of the two that holds a promise that keeps me from ever hurting myself, so even now, I am perfectly safe even though six or eight months ago I would have been in very real danger in the state I am in right now. As it is now, it's not even on the radar.
We are going to try to find me a new therapist in the morning, assuming I can wake up before noon.