"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."
Walt Whitman (1819-92)
"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."
Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)
And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:
Friday, May 14, 2004
Incoming
fal-ter Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English
1 a : to walk unsteadily : STUMBLE b : to give way : TOTTER p[could feel my legs faltering] c : to move waveringly or hesitatingly
2 : to speak brokenly or weakly : STAMMER
3 a : to hesitate in purpose or action : WAVER b : to lose drive or effectiveness [the business was faltering]
4 : what my company is doing; what I am doing
It seems like the world is a tornado and I am in the center of it.
Things at works are even worse. There was no payroll this week. There is only one solitary dollar in the cash drawer. Something has to give.
I'm really beginning to wonder if that something is me.
Over the last year this job has become absolutely a nightmare for me. When it boils down to it I detest the people,or at least the top two I have to deal with on a daily basis. I hate going to work, I dread Mondays.
I don't want to do this. I so don't want to do this.
On the other hand, if I bail, there's no unemployment and no job insurance. No, in order for those things to kick in, the company has to finally and irrevokably shut the doors, or at least terminate my position for "lack of work."
Not to mention that I have 12 years in the thing. I remember when I was proud of it. I remember being excited about working here.
And it could be that way again. There was and is no reason for this company to have failed so miserably. Idiots at the wheel, and lives will be ruined as a result.
I've been hanging on hoping for a rescue, and it sounds so close. Supposedly it will happen next Tuesday. But there have been so many dates, so many promises.
Inside, I falter.
I can feel my mental legs shaking, the fear of taking a step into the blind darkness gripping me.
How did I ever get to this place? How did this happen?
And because of what I do and the fact that nobody else at my company can even come close to doing it, every single bit of information they need, I am the sole supply.
So, the tornado spins, me in the center.
I don't know how to ride this thing. I don't belong here. I didn't make this mess. I tried to stop it and no one would listen.
I'm faltering in a cloud of idiots and fools and carnality.
I can't breathe in here. Where is the door, where is the window?
I think, this is what I am going to do. I'll wait till Tuesday and see what happens. If the money moves then I will wait and see how it shakes out. If not, I will ask the Chairman of the company to lay me off formally, and I will go look for another, less turbulent, seat.
Now, just have to hang on till Tuesday.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be. . ..
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)
