Did this page end up framed? Click here to break out.

Dust and Dreams
Scorpion's Tale
Touching Base
Only in Hopewell
Checkin In...
Things I've Learned Since Moving to Hopewell

Click to go to the most current Cliff Between the Lines
Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

Blogroll Me!

Feed for RSS readers:
ATOM Site Feed

Enter your email address below to be notified daily in your email whenever this blog is updated, courtesy of Bloglet:

powered by Bloglet

"This is True" is now located at the bottom of this page.

My Blogger Profile

More About Cliff Hursey

Email me

"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:

The WeatherPixie

Saturday, February 11, 2006


Function: verb
1 a : to release or activate by means of a trigger; especially : to fire by pulling a mechanical trigger b : to cause the explosion of
2 : to initiate, actuate, or set off by a trigger
2 : what yesterday's events were, to me

After reading yesterday's post, you can imagine that I went to bed with a raging depression. This morning it was no better, and as a matter of fact, it was much worse.

I don't usually respond to triggers, but this time I was blindsided.

I started going through my list of people to speak with when these things happen. I made call after call. I don't take major mood swings lightly; they can kill. But, although the dangerous thoughts were there (they usually are during one of those swings) it was quite clear that I needed to ignore them as so much off balance brain chemistry. Which of course is exactly what they were.

Eventually, I found two friends who invited me over to a charming home that belonged to one of them. I had never seen it before, and I was very impressed with her artistic ability. So many of us are gifted that way. (For example, the collages I illustrate with on this blog are ones I make myself. And, naturally I say that when this particular post doesn't have a really good one!)

Long story short, eventually I left and was able to speak with a friend from out of town. She pointed out some things that I had not thought of. First, she explained to me why I opened that trunk of memories last night, and went straight as a laser to the most painful memories of my life.

When she said this, it made perfect sense to me. Some people, when they are in mental pain, engage in what is called "self injury." Maybe it's cutting. Maybe it's like a friend of mine does, where she holds a sharpened pen knife against her wrist; not to cut, but to focus.

And, well, you don't have to physically harm yourself to self injure. You can hurt yourself mentally and emotionally too. And that's what I had been doing.

The pain that had been triggered inside me was so intense that I was trying to ramp it up even further, to create that cathartic moment when I would just come out of the other side of the pain, and it would wash over me. Sort of like stamping "DONE" on the end of it.

Problem was, even though I hurt myself pretty bad, I didn't hurt myself enough to bring about the catharsis. So, there I was, stuck in an unresolved mess, not even recognizing my own damage. Plowing forward, negative thought feeding on negative mood.

But once I realized, once I saw what had happened, it was like a veil lifted. The man behind the curtain was exposed, and no longer had any power over me. The bulk of the depression fell from me like an old heavy wool cloak dropping to the floor.

My friend tells me that she only repeated back to me things I had said to her. Personally, I don't think so, but I think today I learned a deep lesson, one I will not soon forget.

It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.
--Marlene Dietrich, German movie actress (1901 - 1992)

Permalink: 2/11/2006 01:13:00 AM |
EMail this post to a friend:

Creative Commons License\__Cliff Between the Lines__/ is licensed
under a Creative Commons License.

Visit The Weblog Review

All Definitions featured in this blog are modified from the Webster Dictionary website.

Many quotations in this blog come from the Quotations Page.

This page is powered by Blogger. Weblog Commenting by HaloScan.com Blogarama - The Blog Directory

WWW \__Cliff Between the Lines__/