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There's Still Life in the Old Dog Yet

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Life, viewed sideways. Emotions, amplified. Answers, questioned. Me, between the lines.

- A Wounded Heart, Who Can Bear?
- Drowning Under a Tidal Wave
- Clawing My Way to the Sunlight
- Yes, Santa Claus, There Is a Virginia
- Fugu
- Touching the Spirit
- A Hole in the Universe
- Riding on the Dreams of Others
- Turning Into a Shark
 - A Heart, Ripped Asunder
- Surrendering to the Roller Coaster
- Hunting in the Jade Forest
- Dodging the Shark
- Dancing With Invisible Partners
- The Captain and the Harliquin
- Courting the Devils
- The Captain Makes His Mark
- Mad Dog to the Rescue
- Innocent in the Big City
- Dropping the Ball Briefcase
- Scrambling Brains
- Cheating the Reaper, Again
- What If the Man Behind the Curtain Is No Wizard After All?
- All of Us Have a Soundtrack
- Working With Broken Machines
- Happy Anniversary, Baby
- Standing on Stars
- Running the Film Backwards
- Identity Crisis ("Who am I?")
- Can We Ever Really Admit the Desires of Our Heart?
- Forgiveness is a Rare Thing
- Having Your Heart Caressed By the Creator
- Working With Broken Machines
- A New Leg to Stand On
- The Real Spirit of Christmas
- Chatting With Infinity
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- We All Have a Great Capacity for Loss
- Brushed Lightly By Might Have Beens
- We See the World Through Our Own Looking Glass
- Every Storm Passes Eventually
- Accidents Can Introduce Destiny Into Our Lives
- Freedom Depends on the Walls Around Us
- Pulling Aside the Velvet Curtain
- Riding the Razor's Edge
- Dying With Strangers
- In Your Face
- Between the Lines
- The Bobcat
- Angel With a Coffeecup
- Innocent in the Big City
- Chains of Gossamer
- Playing With Knives
- Stumbling Through Memories (Ooops)
- Picture This
- Running the Film Backwards
- Playing the Score, Tasting the Music
- Coins and Corals and Carved Coconuts
- My God, I Confess
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 1, Speechless)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 2, Taxi)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 3, The Pan American)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 4, Guano)
- Exotic in Thin Air (Part 5, The Andes Express)

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More About Cliff Hursey

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"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, going where I list, my own master total and absolute, Listening to others, considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me."

Walt Whitman (1819-92)

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break."

Akhenaton (d. c.1354 BC)

And now, the current weather, from some random person we pulled off the street:

The WeatherPixie

Sunday, June 26, 2005


Function: verb
Etymology: origin unknown
1 : to turn (as a telescope or a ship's spar) about a fixed point that is usually the axis
2 : to cause to skid : VEER [slew a car around a turn]
3 : what my mood has been doing the past couple of days

The worst thing, to me, about having bipolar disorder is that I am at the mercy of my brain chemicals. Well, at least my moods are. Regular people have moods that are reactions to events and situations. I am not afforded that luxury many times.

It's called cycling. A lot of people with bipolar disorder have three states in their cycles. Depressive, manic, and "baseline" which is what we'll call something resembling normal. These cycles run for months and sometimes years, but in an unfortunate few like myself moods can cycle in weeks, days, even hours and minutes.

Fun, it's not.

Particularly since I am also in the unfortunate group that has the occasional fourth state, usually referred to as a "mixed" state. This mood state has facets of both depressive and manic at the same time. On the one hand you have the lethargy of depression. On the other you have the frantic anxiety of mania. All in all it is sheer, pure frustration.

Some people enjoy the manic phase. Some even embrace the depressive phase in a dark way. But nobody, nobody likes the mixed.

It goes without saying that I wouldn't even be talking about this if I wasn't in the middle of one. It's been boiling inside of me off and on for a couple of days now, refusing to move on, wanting control. But I won't let it.

Letting a mixed mood state take control can be very, very dangerous. Frustration breeds anger, and a person on a mixed state has a very short fuse. Set them off and they say and do things that everyone later regrets.

So I've kept really calm, trying to not spill the applecart. In the meantime, I feel like...well...

There was a movie in the 50's, a Vincent Price horror film called "The Tingler." The plot line was based on the fictional idea that if you were frightened, an organism in your back would reach up inside of you and grab your spine from inside. So imagine that feeling. But with electric eels. And motor oil.

Yeah, it's just like that.

This is getting on my nerves, now that I have them.
--Q., Star Trek, the Next Generation, "Deja Q"

Permalink: 6/26/2005 01:29:00 AM |
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